Resurrection love

I feel like I am transferring love over

From one to another one to another one, where did it originate? whose love am I trying to resurrect?

 

gains and losses

The day you ignored me is the day he paid attention.

How could you treat me this way? After everything I did for you. You had me questioning my worth, my goodness, everything. You made me feel worthless and there is no coming back from that. It’s not my fault you are insecure, and it’s not my fault that you couldn’t or no you wouldn’t share your love with me. You couldn’t give me your time, your attention, when that means more to me than anything else. If you think that anything you did made me do what I did or feel what I felt for your, your wrong. I just cared… I initiated and I gave to you. My time, my effort, my body and my thoughts. At the end of it, I thought it was obvious how much I cared. But I think I made it too easy.

Either way, that night you decided I was no longer worth speaking to and you just stopped. I could of persisted for an answer or reply, but silence won. At that same time he was making an effort.

I was taken aback by the responses he was giving me. How sad that I was surprised that he took an interest in me. You made me like that, made me believe that I was weird for desiring that type of communication. It feels so good to speak to someone who can elaborate. It is amazing how much he is trying. Even if I find it awkward, I haven’t smiled like that in forever. I haven’t talked about my feelings like that in so long. It felt good, it felt like home. And at times I was annoyed because it wasn’t you. How disgusting it is that I like you so much. But no, I won’t let that make me go back to you. No sir, not for one minute. Lets see you try and squirm your way out of this one. Because this time, it’s you. You are cutting the connection. I hope you see me with him. I hope you felt bad, I hope you cry that someone is treating me the way you were supposed to.

He may not be who I want in the end, but damn he makes it so hard. Because I am so simple, I just want your time, your words, I want to pick at your brain. I want to know what you are thinking, what you like, what you don’t like. I was made to listen. I don’t have to pull anything out of him like I did with you. I don’t have to fill the silence with stupidity.

He may not be who I want in the end, but he gives me hope in men again.

We do this to ourselves

I'm so hurt I fucking admit it
You gave her everything I wanted from you
I gave you everything and you gave me nothing
Whatever man!
Ahhrrr
I just want to scream
I just want to punch something
I don't even care
And it hurts that I care so much
I'm so tired of the heartbreak
I'm so tired of pretending like nothing phases me
I do this to myself
Dammit I can't help fucking myself over
Why God why
I want to hurt you
I want you to cry while I watch you

Sometimes when we are so hurt
Everything turns to anger

I'm fuming
I hate you for taking from me
I hate myself for letting you

So gone

I got a lot of love to give
But what a shame
What a shame
If you take my love in vain

I know my God is in control

O come behold the works of God
The nations at His feet
He breaks the bow and bends the spear
And tells the wars to cease
O Mighty One of Israel
You are on our side
We walk by faith in God who burns the chariots with fire

[Chorus]
Lord of Hosts, You’re with us
With us in the fire
With us as a shelter
With us in the storm
You will lead us
Through the fiercest battle
Oh where else would we go
But with the Lord of Hosts

[Verse 2]
O God of Jacob, fierce and great
You lift Your voice to speak
The earth it bows and all
The mountains move into the sea
O Lord You know the hearts of men
And still you let them live
O God, who makes the mountains melt
Come wrestle us and win
O God who makes the mountains melt
Come wrestle us and win

[Chorus]
Lord of Hosts, You’re with us
With us in the fire
With us as a shelter
With us in the storm
You will lead us
Through the fiercest battle
Oh where else would we go
But with the Lord of Hosts

[Bridge]
Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all
The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still
Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea
The nations rage, I know my God is in control
Though oceans roar, You are the Lord of all
The one who calms the wind and waves and makes my heart be still
Though the earth gives way, the mountains move into the sea
The nations rage, I know my God is in control

[Chorus]
Lord of Hosts, You’re with us
With us in the fire
With us as a shelter
With us in the storm
You will lead us
Through the fiercest battle
Oh where else would we go
But with the Lord of Hosts
2x

01

Aren’t you scared he asked me?

No, are you?

Nah, I’m good, just a little anxious.

Yeah.. yeah, me too.

We walked outside together, him before me. I tried to stay calm but I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. Maybe I was scared. I peeked over his broad shoulders every so often. Still not sure where we were going.

 

…………….

who me? yes you.

You You You,

God want’s to you use you. Your individuality, personality, everything that makes you, you. To think that God wants us to be the same is not knowing who He is. The One who created this unique world where nothing is the same. There is so much diversity because that is what God wants. Religion is the number one movement that tries to thwart individuality. It makes you think that you have to pray a certain way, worship a certain way, talk a certain way. Your acceptance into salvation depends solely on your malleable heart. So yes darling, you…

SSB

Dear baby boy, I pray that you are whole, spirit, soul, and body.

It’s so important to take care of the three aspects that make us who we are. Your spirit which connects to God’s Holy Spirit, your soul that holds your passions and yearnings and will be alive for all eternity, and your body which consists of your mind. Everything working in perfect harmony is the ideal state we want to be, but when it doesn’t we get into trouble. Our dependency of Christ is the ultimate glue that holds these three facets together. And our imperfectness is what God desires, because without it, we wouldn’t need Him. Isn’t it so beautiful?

So why do we strive to be whole, because it is also what God desires. Confusing…yes. I mean he enjoys our dependency on Him, because then we will realize His POWER, yes when we strive and when we work to become whole, depending completely on His help, we experience his Supernatural power, He glorifies Himself in ways that that leave us dumbfounded. . .

That is why I pray baby boy, that you are whole, spirit, soul, and body.

Amen…

Fast Car

Do you have a fast car?

Is it fast enough to fly us out of here.

There is nothing better than getting in your car in the middle of the night and driving down the empty highway. You, your favorite tunes, and an open road.

There was a time when I would do that, but I had a cigarette in hand and a death wish. I would go above 100 mph and I would contemplate driving off the road. I thought to myself, I could honestly end it right now. All it takes is a quick turn of my steering wheel. It will all happen so fast I won’t suffer.

I have been listening to Tracy Chapman, Fast Car, and I honestly can not get enough of it. I feel her every word. There were times, when I would just drive, drive, drive…so far away with no place in mind to go. But the difference between then and now, is just what she says… “I had a feeling that I belong, a feeling that I could be someone”

What is that innate feeling inside of us that desires escape with the motive to belong. It’s almost an oxymoron. I don’t have that same death wish as before, instead I feel like I have a purpose, the open road, a symbol of my freedom and my journey there. Thanks Tracy Chapman…

 

 

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