“Alone, even doing nothing, you do not waste your time. You do, almost always, in company. No encounter with yourself can be altogether sterile. Something necessarily emerges, even if only the hope of some day meeting yourself again.” – Emil Cioran It’s my honest belief that people aren’t built to be alone. Most people can’t […]
If you were wondering why I have been posting non stop.
I have been on Thanksgiving break. It feels so amazing to finally be able to THINK! and SLEEP. haha
This semester has been fantastic, between the amazing community that the campus provide, to the friends I have made. The things I have learned and how I have grown. So many good things happened so quickly. But of course in the midst of it all were my regular hardships. Which is why I am actually proud of myself…! I have maintained A’s in three of the four classes I am taking on top of the stress of a new job, financial hardship and familial problems. My credit increased, I have more credit available, I was approved a loan, even though it was not that much it was SOMETHING. I connected with old friends, made a shit ton of mistakes, but now it’s like everything is simmering down. Like the waters are finally relaxing. Meanwhile, Jesus was sleeping and I was freaking out on the deck. And I have to admit that I still am. I have not been able to pick out my next semester classes. I am also having a difficult time integrating at my job and I have never felt so worthless and hated and incompetent. I was wondering why… and I feel like God is telling me.. that it’s time to move on from what I am doing into what I want to do. It’s so hard though…I need the time to invest in transitioning in my career. My fear is not making as much as I make now… because it barely affords me what I need. I have a plan but I just need to execute it… and it has been so difficult because I have been focused primarily on school.
Either way… it has been quite a year… yes indeed.
I woke up a little different. A little calm, a little rested. I worked out and stretched on my yoga mat last night. Hopefully it’s contributing to this feeling.
Anyways…I wanted to talk about social media, specifically Facebook. Now I know that there is always people who have to be the negative Nancy but think of me more like a concerned Nana. Well, I am not so much concerned as I am disappointed. We all know that social media depicts a different person than we actually are. People show what they want to show, which is usually the good, in them, in their life, and more. Yet, at the same time, they could be the complete opposite of what they are “promoting” and I say promoting because social media is a platform where people feel that they can contribute some of their knowledge from life unto others. We subscribe to peoples lives and are bombarded with quotes, photos, reposts and things that they value. You would think…okay but this is not a bad thing. I agree, no this is not a bad thing….if people were sincere. No one is happy all the time, no one has the answers all the time. So in the entire span of the day which they posted their positive quote, or shared a positive message, they could have committed a selfish act prior or post. They could have treated someone poorly on the street. Rejected someone, made someone feel bad. Gotten into an argument. Now Nana you are thinking…that’s just human nature! Yes..yes it is. Therein lies the problem. Perhaps if they shared more of their struggles it would balance out the impossible standards they create for others by their social media facade. For whoever is watching…this is it for them if they don’t know you personally. This is the perfect life you are emanating. So begins the cause of depression among thousands and millions of users. Studies have shown that Facebook users are among the most depressed. When you are going through a break up, or a time alone…it is advised that you STAY OFF Facebook. And why? because seeing other people pretending to have it all together increases your guilt or disappointment in yourself for not having it all together. Not having a perfect life. I beautiful home, trips oversees, a family that gets along perfectly…(note the sarcasm) a banging body…and in this day in age…a plump booty. Impossible standards…. but we all do it..no one want’s to share their sadness, no one want’s to admit their shortcomings. No one want’s to talk about the real issues they face. Caution, I am not suggesting you use Facebook as your therapist. I actually rather you stay off if you are going through a difficult time in your life. But, something as small as admitting that today was not your best day can have an enormous impact on that person reading it, who also had a bad day. Because Facebook and Instagram are here to stay… I can’t suggest people get off completely.. however take breaks, put your phone down for at least an hour a day…it will do wonders for you.
I was thinking God, about why you placed him into my life at such a time as this.
I realized that this has been such a difficult time for me and I had not even realized it.
You know I am strong alone, but the rejection I was facing from my family and the isolation and change that I was enduring was beyond my control.
But during this….he was the only positive, different, good thing..there was no correlation between him and my home life. It was like a breath of fresh air. It was like a refreshing drink, quenching my thirst.
This year has been a whirlwind of emotions.
But I am thankful to be here…thankful to know God.
Thankful for the blood of Christ that keeps saving me from death.
If nothing else works out, if I am stressed and depressed all I know to be thankful for is The One True Love of my life.
Because even when I don’t think he is working, he always is and it baffles me how he makes things work out in my favor, because he loves me. When I’m free falling I know that I can’t let the emotion run me, I have to enjoy these moments of pain and anxiety because that means something good is right around the corner.
I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for me.
I can not believe I have not written about this
I have not written at all about a lot of things that I have been wanting to
I met a man, but I knew this man
I met a boy, but I knew this boy
I met him, yet again
Except this time…I am choosing
I am willing to work for it
There is a song by Paramore called Playing God,
“If Gods the game we are playing then we must get more aquatinted because it must be so lonely so be the only one who is holy”
I honestly love this … because so many people try to play God. There is nothing more annoying then a “christian” who judges your every move. Where you walk and how you talk, who decides that you are not holy enough to be around. Who decides that you have to prove your worth to be allowed access into their life. I would understand it, if there was no tie, no blood running between all the haze.
This is my war cry. This is the day I stand up and fight by letting go. My battle is not mine but the Lords. I bow as he walks before me to slay the enemy. I kiss the ground behind him to get a taste of his holiness.
Can I tell who ever is reading this…. There is nothing you can do to win the approval of another human being! You can and will never meet anyones expectations. You will always fail. You will always fall short. A HUGE BUT – ITS OKAY. You are loved, as the person who you are. This doesn’t mean there is no room for change or improvement. This means that you will no longer be held back by GUILT, or SHAME. God knows your weakness, your struggle, he knows why you are the way you are! If someone does not want you in their life because you are not good enough….or because they see you and see destruction, perversion, or anything less than what they want in their life then WALK AWAY. but first, give it to God. If you are angry let it be your war cry! Yell out to God, sound your internal trumpet. Clear the path for the Lord, for the true warrior Jesus Christ, who was born for just a time as this. Bow in his presence for he loves to battle for the one he loves…you.
So either this exam was super easy or I studied really well. Either way, bomb grade. I have honestly been learning about the power of multiple exposure and sleep consolidation. That horrible feeling when you are repeating something because you want to jam it into your brain is actually called your working memory. Things here can be easily forgotten, it’s best to study, sleep, study, and KNOW. Love this application and is definitely going to help me in the future.
I can not believe this is the fourth exam already. One more exam, our final and then that is IT! victory cheer the semester is almost over. so bittersweet
So for this exam, I was actually pretty happy because I was EXTREMELY distracted, I had not studied like I wanted. I don’t know what was happening to me at this moment. I was really disappointed in myself, for slacking off. Never again.
Today will be the last time
Like an orb in my hand
I look at this strange thing in front of me
I place it directly in God’s face
I say LOOK AT IT
I am at the end of me..again
This time God.. I demand that You help me
Oh I am so bold
But I know that I should not be suffering like this
A constant whipping at my back
Just when I think I am okay
I am swallowed by the darkness
It consumes me
If you would just take me away
If you would just give me the opportunity
Everything good hurts me
If I settled, if I wanted less
I would be okay, then I would be content
But I strive and it makes me insane