You will fail me.

There are certain words, certain people, that break through the hard exterior and penetrate to the soft core. A small beating, but a beating nonetheless.

I do not know this man, I have never met him, nor am I even in the same generation to ever run into him.

Yet, somehow I connected with him, I shared similarities with him, and I cried the same tears as him.

Through him God spoke to me, and once again told me how much He loves me and how much he appreciates me, and that His grace is sufficient for me. That He sees me working hard and he sees me building this hard outer shell on my heart. Something that will protect it when it falls. Something that will transmit all my decisions and situations toward my brain so I can rationalize a solution. I can self help, and look inside, instead of giving way to the emotion, bathing in the saddness. So that God can lift me up and I can once again experience is great love and mercy for me.

I am nott shunning this technique of intellectual healing but giving it less importance than I have given it.

I’m scared of failing God and being that hypocritical christian. I am selfish and aggressive. I hurt with my words and I neglect with my actions. But I feel that if at any moment I let my guard down I will fall and I am so scared of falling.

I am creating this imposter different from the one in my childhood. This imposter wants to make me hard and resistant. And that softness that God has placed inside of me. The one that beats life into me and pumps blood into my system. I’ve tried to kill it by physical means, and ignorantly believing I had won, I began a spiritual murder. But tonight, God broke through.

I heard God say to me tonight, You will fail me…but what I feel for you will not change, and I will recieve you again without judgement. All is grace…

After reading Brennan Manning’s, “All is Grace.”

I had been eyeing this book on my shelf, eager to read it. I clung and finished it in less than 4 hours. Ending in a tearful admiration, stopping to gaze and think as tears ran down and my face gave way to that disfigured anguished look. I closed the book and continued crying, not thinking just letting my heart reflect and my soul soak the sadness in. THAT sadness that heals. And I thought to myself…all IS grace.