I always knew that I sabotaged myself. But I always thought it was more obvious than it actually was. I sabotaged myself out of a job and I am sabotaging myself out of getting one. From day one, I had a job with a huge pay raise and I just never went back. I couldn’t deal with it, I thought…I can’t work here. I was so obsessed with how ugly the place was and how I did not like how they did things. Even if I was going to be making way more than the job I left, I just never went back. Now again I just keep leaving these jobs that are certain. When I know that I can get them…. I don’t. But then, there have been a couple people who have straight up rejected me. Because either the pay is too much or who knows why else. They are impressed with me, yet they reject me. I think that is what is driving me insane. That I do not know the reasons behind their rejection. They want references but, I quit and burned a bridge so…. they are scared of who I am. Now it’s like I don’t want to work or something. I mean, thank God I have something to live off of, but that won’t last for long. I have insomnia, and I wake up in the afternoon. I am clenching my teeth at night and wake up with a locked jaw. It gives me crazy migraines, light sensitive pounding headaches. I think sadly, it’s the fact that I don’t believe that God wants me to work somewhere less than what he has given me in the past. But am I so…arrogant?
Before, it was easy, I just drank my sorrows, I smoked my anxiety away. Now, I don’t drink out of sadness and I can’t stand the taste of cigarettes.
I am taking my medication, I am working out I am reading the word of God, going to church….what does it all mean? What is God trying to show me?
I honestly think I am just an arrogant person who won’t accept less than what she thinks she deserves. But underneath that arrogance is the evident fear of rejection.