When I got to the end of myself

When I got to the end of myself

You stepped in

I am so grateful

Humbled

and stand once again in awe of Your goodness and Faithfulness

Anyways, so excited to start a new job that pays me more than the one I left/got fired from. I do less and I am not around that many people. It’s really scary to start over, to be new, and to have to learn a different office philosophy but I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It is not going to be easy but in my weakness then He is strong and may the Glory always be for God. Amen!

By the way…God is never late, his timing is always right! Trust Him.

Arrogance, Self Sabotage, and Fear of Rejection.

I always knew that I sabotaged myself. But I always thought it was more obvious than it actually was. I sabotaged myself out of a job and I am sabotaging myself out of getting one. From day one, I had a job with a huge pay raise and I just never went back. I couldn’t deal with it, I thought…I can’t work here. I was so obsessed with how ugly the place was and how I did not like how they did things. Even if I was going to be making way more than the job I left, I just never went back. Now again I just keep leaving these jobs that are certain. When I know that I can get them…. I don’t. But then, there have been a couple people who have straight up rejected me. Because either the pay is too much or who knows why else. They are impressed with me, yet they reject me. I think that is what is driving me insane. That I do not know the reasons behind their rejection. They want references but, I quit and burned a bridge so…. they are scared of who I am. Now it’s like I don’t want to work or something. I mean, thank God I have something to live off of, but that won’t last for long. I have insomnia, and I wake up in the afternoon. I am clenching my teeth at night and wake up with a locked jaw. It gives me crazy migraines, light sensitive pounding headaches. I think sadly, it’s the fact that I don’t believe that God wants me to work somewhere less than what he has given me in the past. But am I so…arrogant?

Before, it was easy, I just drank my sorrows, I smoked my anxiety away. Now, I don’t drink out of sadness and I can’t stand the taste of cigarettes.

I am taking my medication, I am working out I am reading the word of God, going to church….what does it all mean? What is God trying to show me?

I honestly think I am just an arrogant person who won’t accept less than what she thinks she deserves. But underneath that arrogance is the evident fear of rejection.

God of your soul

Silence is weird because there never really is silence. You can always hear something.

Try it…close your ears…what do you hear? It’s like a wave, a deep buzzing. Eventually you will hear your blood pumping and your heart thumping. Is that why people go insane during solitary confinement? When all they have is the thoughts inside their own head. People suffer permanent brain damage because of it, and that is a scary thought. We need something coming INTO us. Like someones voice, the wind, a knocking,  laughter, something outside of us that we can not control.

I want to try this out…just being in the dark alone no noise no disruption. What will happen to me?

I like to think I will begin focusing on God…but then I will become angry because I will think about my life….but then I will go back to being grateful to God because I will think about how good He has been to me. I like to think that I will go back and forth in this train of thought until I drive myself insane.

Usually when we don’t want to think about things we distract ourselves. If I am taken the opportunity to distract myself away…what will remain?

You see, when I step outside…there is SO much noise. It makes me feel small. It lightens my mood, and helps me think optimistically. I am not stuck in my own thoughts and there is distraction everywhere.

I think we hate being in silence so much because we are born of sin. Our flesh is from this earth so it craves things of this earth. All we know how to do is move. Move on, move forward, and when we hunger we feed ourselves. When we need to remove waste from our body we do so. Everything is in constant motion. Even if we tried to be still we couldn’t because our bodies don’t allow us to.

What about our minds?

Our minds are part of our body…it is constantly working even when we sleep. It is never still. I could not stop thinking right now, even if I tried. I would think about how I am not trying to think. I would think about how I am thinking about not trying to think. The cycle could go on forever. I would become distracted by every and any little thing.

So why does God tell us to be still…and know that I am God?

He is not talking about not moving, or not doing anything productive. He is not talking about stoping in your tracks and thinking about Him (although that is great to do). He is talking about your soul.

Did you ever wonder how you don’t really know what your soul is? You try to rationalize in your mind what you think it is, but you really … really do not know.

Let’s turn to google

Screen Shot 2017-05-11 at 5.16.03 PM

Now, immaterial means irrelevant so can we say that your soul is irrelevant to your body? Our souls should not be considered when we are talking about our bodies. Our soul is not relevant when we are talking about our own humanness.

So, our soul is an entirely separate concept? But is says…”part of a human being or animal.” Let’s disagree with google for a moment and say that our soul is not part of our body and it’s function has no relevance to our minds, emotions, or bodily functions.

Think for a moment, do you think it is possible for someone not to have a soul? Sometimes in moments of laughter, I like to say I have no soul. Yes I say that because during a period of my life, I was cruel and somewhat evil in nature.

But, nonetheless I did have a soul. (Ha..to all my siblings)

So we say someone does not have a soul when they are cruel and show no love toward other human beings or animals.

Is soul therefore equivalent to goodness and love?

 

be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god

Remind yourself in your mind that you are more than human, there is a soul deep within your bodily members that will one day be with The One who IS Goodness and Love. Your soul makes you who you are…when people are alive it is largely because of their soul…not just because their hearts are pumping inside of them. Otherwise they would just be like a machine able to function but with no driver.

Sometimes we say my soul cries out to God. Perhaps we mean that our minds are getting in the way of our soul. Everything coming out from outside of us INTO us (things outside of us that aren’t God) taking the light away from our soul. Our soul is not crying out….our mind is getting frustrated because it needs our soul to be the center stage and our soul…wants to be with God, because God breathed his Life into us that which became our soul.

If we are always thinking..let us think about God and our own soul connecting with God. How we can clean up all our thoughts inside our mind so that there isn’t chaos in the silence.

When I think about stillness I think about something deep inside me that is not worried, not angry or impatient. Something inside me that is not thinking about causing others harm or hating anyone. Something inside me that just….IS. I think that is my soul.

We need God to come into us. He is that external thing that we can not control coming into us. I would like to think that if I was in solitary confinement, just thinking about God would not be enough. I would have to connect my soul to Him. I would need him to be coming into me, during those moments of darkness and silence. It is the only way to keep sane.

So I would like to say that when God tells me to be still and know that He is God. I think He is telling me to connect my soul with Him.

and how do we connect with God…through our Spirit

…….but that is a whole different topic

washing and drying; tears and hair

Like the woman who was cleaning your feet with her tears, and wiping them dry with her hair so will I be among those who look upon us. They will wonder and whisper to each other, why does she do those things.

But they don’t know Lord, how you have saved me time and time again from destruction.

I will praise you and let that be my testimony to the world. They will want what we have, and they will seek you. I will let my light be a clue to salvation.

I realize that I don’t have to give the details of why I love you with everything that I have. I am not obligated to give my life testimony and rip myself open because society tells me to. When the time is right the people will know.

For now, they will only see the love I have for You. How I praise you in the congregation and my devotion to you will insight wonder in their souls. They will look up to you with curiosity and you will let you glorious word be known to them.

Then they will understand, then they will know why I have wiped your feet with my tears and dry them with my hair.

youthful angst and courage

The sting of getting fired does not compare to the sting of watching a co-worker and friend be verbally and emotionally abused day in and day out.

To think that I was told to turn the other cheek.

Having the accused lie to my face and charge me with stepping over the line. Stepping over my position. As if my position had anything to do with morality. As if I was not good enough to have my concerns validated.

As a superior it is your responsibility to stop abuse and discrimination in any and every situation.

As a witness it is your responsibility to not succumb to the evil of inaction.

It does not matter your status, how many degrees or awards you have received. Every human being is equal and deservers respect.

In the workplace it is so difficult to speak up to your superiors because they can threaten your financial security. It is also difficult because they will do anything to shut you up and accuse you of any and everything that will disqualify your statement.

I can’t believe I went through this but I am glad I did.

What hurts the most is that the one person that could have stopped it all….didn’t.

The one person I believed would do the right thing…didn’t.

It hurts because I grew to care about this person and respect and even love him as a brother in Christ.

Still I didn’t go without a fight. No one can ever say I never spoke up or that I just walked away. I was prepared to right this wrong until the end of it. I hope that my absence will speak for what I believed in.

I guess I was young enough and hard headed enough to speak up and not shut up….even though I almost didn’t. There were days when I just didn’t want to deal with it….but my youthful angst gave me the push I needed. I realized that I never want to grow to the point where I don’t have the courage to speak up for something I believe in. Regardless of what that means for my family or my appearance or even my career. I never want to care about myself so much that I stop caring about my fellow brother and sister in pain.

 

 

 

 

unjustified insult

Someone just told me that I was incomplete because I was not in a committed relationship, like marriage.

Then proceeded to tell me not to be insulted. If I was, it was because something inside me is not confident enough to not be shaken by those callous words.

I asked why it was not an insult and that person said because it’s okay to be incomplete….

  • incomplete means unfinished, missing a part, etc… or am I wrong? humanity is incomplete in the flesh. We are sinners and evil resides in us whether we want to believe it or not
  • HOWEVER….we are loved by God. in our brokenness He glorifies Himself and through Jesus we ARE complete. Every individual human being.

To all the single people out there, enjoy your singularity. Stay close to the Lord who can satisfy your every desire.

To all the people who are not married, or don’t plan on being married, hold out. Don’t compromise, strengthen yourself with Gods love, and let the Holy Spirit comfort you.

It’s scares me when people in the name of the Lord say these things. I want all of humanity to know that in Christ, they are complete. That no man or woman will fulfill you the way God does. marriage is a commitment, sex is a gift. Stay faithful to the Lord, he knows just what you need.

Quote 02

Life is the art of being well-deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted.

-William Hazlitt, “On Pedantry,” The Round Table, 1817

Spousal privilege

We were always into rough sex, but I think this time he couldn’t, no…he chose not to see the difference between fantasy and reality. I’ll admit it now, I was scared. I was scared when he grabbed me by my neck with his right arm picked me up and slammed me to the floor.

 

I’m a warrior, there is no fear in me so…

 

I got up and pushed him away, looking him straight in the face, I was um… testing the moment. I felt like a child when he backed me into his room, still standing out in the hallway, as if he could put me into time out.

 

But, I was not a child.

 

I punched him and pushed him as I made my way back out of the room. He became angry with my defiant and seemingly brave new attitude. See, I was always submissive, it was part of our fantasy. He was rough and I was supposed to like it. So he grabbed me, pushed me inside the room and against the wall behind the door. He shut the door behind him. Just me and him alone in that dark room. The light from the television was the only thing that allowed us to look at each other. His hand found it’s way around my neck and his face came close to mine, almost touching..”what are you doing” he said, with his clenched jaw. He squeezed harder and harder on my neck asking me over and over again…”what are you doing”.

 

What was I doing?

 

I was giving him my deviant smile still not aware of the reality of the situation. I still felt pretty certain I could get away if I really wanted to. I was letting him play into his little fantasy. I was allowing him to do this, I rationalized in my head.

 

Even as the back of my head throbbed from him slamming me to the floor and wall.

Even as my breathing became shorter as he applied the pressure to my neck.

 

I was being bad, and he didn’t like it. He threw me onto the bed, my head hit the windowsill.

 

“Ow, **** you’re hurting me…,” I said.

 

If the window was the force to slap me into reality, it came full force and I knew I was done playing. But he wasn’t.

 

He didn’t catch the change in my tone of voice.

He didn’t catch how I stopped smirking and became serious

He didn’t catch how I sat straight up to rub my newly created head wound.

He didn’t catch that I called him by name.

He didn’t catch that my eyes turned soft as I looked up at him through the darkness.

 

Instead, like a wild animal pouncing on its prey, he came charging toward me.

to the girl who acts like a man

 

 

When I see you all I see is madness

the way you throw all your hair to one side

and walk around with your nose and chin up

how you raise a sweet eye and brow my way

but when you clench your jaw it throws me off

I can not understand why someone like you would be masking anger

am I the only one who sees it

you squint as you clench and chills goes down my spine

eventually tears stream down

because the madness I saw

was sadness

 

So many women I think, have to act like men. They have to masquerade as if they did not have a biological disposition to emotional reactions. You can see it in their behavior. You can see it by the way they carry themselves. Eventually though, they crack. Streams of loving water flowing from the windows of the soul. The beautiful thing about women though, is that the emotion that they could not contain, is actually fuel. Fuel that lights the fire to change, to hope, to power, and strength. Above everything you must do….Feel emotion….raw emotion. It does something to you, it creates change from the inside and overflows to everything around you. Don’t let society make you into a man, you are more than that….you are fully woman.

if someone could show me how to argue with God

What happens when you pray diligently for something

When you pray with all your might

When you have faith

and no one can trample on your hope

What happens when that prayer is ultimately denied

….what happens when God says ….no

How do you argue with God?

How do you ask Him, what are you doing? or why not?

Can I throw a tantrum please

Can I be angry at You

What happens when you fight with the silence

When youre throwing  your fists against the wind

every punch, you realize, is energy wasted

Because no one is responding and no one is comforting you

How can you yell at God for being so unfair

How can you tell Him you want an explanation

My prayer at one point was so convicting

I thought…wow, for sure this will come to pass

Now I am doubting

The veil of illusion swept off my face…

Finally in the present, I realize that I wasted all my focus and energy on this prayer

This prayer that You knew was not going to come to be!

I bet you were up there, shaking Your head at me

Poor daughter…she doesn’t even know what is to come

I just wish I guess, You could have warned me.

I just wish I guess, You would not have looked on as I foolishly prayed for something that was never going to happen

How am I not supposed to doubt now? Where do I draw my strength from now?

What happens when God says..no…is that He says NO

There is no adding to it, and no taking away from it. It is a simple no

And when my anger goes away I am still sad, but deep down I know that I have no where to turn to

I can not force myself to deny Your existence now.

I can not force myself to turn back to my old evil habits out of punishment to You

You don’t need my obedience…You want it.

And if I don’t give it…I am only hurting myself.

So tell me….what do you do when God says no?

You simple reply a very humble……okay.