Hello August, I am late. I thought I was going to be on time and be ready and just have a lot of OOMPH!
But no, its day three and I am still lingering in June. Arg… I mean I have all this residue and I am still holding on to things that I thought I was going to be able to let go.
Anyways… August I really really want to be good I want to forget everything from this summer.
The ironic thing is that I was like… I can not go another summer suffering… and yet this has been one of the hardest summers so far… of God how you challenge my weaknesses. God literally crushed my plans and destroyed my man made tower. But I mean what came out of it was so much better. The only consequences is how I feel now. Trapped, alone, and far from God. Lucky my mind still knows what is going on, now my soul has to catch up and my spirit needs to reconnect.
It’s funny how I went to church and the message was on provision. How we need to get out of a poor mindset. Most people think being poor is humble, but that is not the case. God delights in your prosperity and I think that is a powerful message. To have someone take pleasure when you excel and are living good is not something that humans are used to. We are used to climbing on top of each other to get to the top. We are in a constant state of competition with each others lifestyle. It is a selfish world out there. At first the message didn’t seem much to me. I know God is a provider and He has provided for me ALL the time. But now I find myself in desperate financial need. Like a testing of my faith, God spoke to me before the trial. Now I have to make a decision to either panic and sink into despair or take God at His word and watch Him do wonders for me. I choose the latter even if my faith is like a mustard seed.
I don’t feel quite recovered, I understand that I have made a terrible mistake. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself because now I can’t say that I have a clean track record. But at the end of the day I am who I am, struggling with things that will forever haunt me.
The world may belong to satan but it is also Gods footstool.
The problem was that I was too preoccupied with what people would think about you. What my mother thought and how she did not approve. And all that rings in my head are those words you said to me that night. With our head against the pillow and your eyes looking up at mine “I’m sorry you fell in love with a mutt” … I didn’t say anything of course because I didn’t know that you realized what I was struggling with. Apparently it was evident in the way we were living. Always hiding, always avoiding …. but I did fall in love with a mutt and why was I so ashamed?
It is me again
I know you never left
but I did
I just wanted to say that…i’m sorry
and thank you
I just wanted to say good morning as I wake up at noon
I just wanted to say good morning as I begin to fight off the demons of yesterday
I just wanted to say good morning as the wind blows through my room and into my lungs
Good morning God
I’m coming back limping with broken pieces of myself in my arms
as the sun hits my face and I squint towards you in this desert
with my sandy feet and my tattered clothes
I just wanted to say Good morning God
I was so used to constantly being touched that I expected it
To be grabbed held and fucked
Slowly and passionately from behind
From on top
Throughout the night and especially in the morning
But you did none of that
And now I feel so stupid to think that I will ever find a man who did what he did for me
Open up to me
Why are so you afraid
I am starting to think you don’t care at all
I tried to recreate something that I so desperately missed
I thought that it would be different because it was another body
But everything went horribly wrong
Because he rejected all my love and like a fool I sat in the dark and drank the bitter wine
I smoked that tar tasting cigarette as he slept completely unaware of my aching soul
Sometimes it’s good to pretend even for just one night
I promise I will forget every word I uttered into your ear
And never bring up the intensity that we will share in the dark
Fantasy will take us there. It will elevate the moment, if you just let it happen
What do you want to hear, anything, I will say it
But don’t hold me accountable