Burn it all down to the ground!

I long to know who I am again. In these moments of desperation I have lost all perspective. I am walking walking walking. I know where I am going and I know where I need to be. I am rummaging out of this closet that has confined me to a set of rules. I am elbowing out the heavy coats of dos and don’ts. I am looking for the door.

Alas! I reach the door. I open it and squint at the light. My eyes adjust and realize that I am face to face with a mirror. I look at myself and realize that I am human. I look at my eyes and see that there is sadness and wonder. I look at my mouth and realize it has been shut for too long. I look at my body and see frailty. I speak out….I see my mouth move but I am missing a tongue. No sound. The dark circles around my eyes reveal the torture that I have endured. I look back to the closet and wonder if I should go back in. I hear my family, the joyous laughter they have in each others company. I hear my loved ones content.

As I contemplate my next move, I hear a whisper. Like the movement of leaves on a windy day. I arch my head and neck forward to see if I can make out what it says. Suddenly I see a lighter on the floor. “Hello old friend,” I think to myself as I bend down to pick it up. When I get back up there is a sign on the closet door behind me, I can see it through the mirror. I quickly turn around to face it.

BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND!

Suddenly I hear a faraway chanter…

BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND! BURN IT ALL DOWN TO THE GROUND!

I press my thumb against the lighter. A spark.

………

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We hunger for things which are insatiable therein lies our madness

Why are you so obsessed with me?

Why do we feel the need to make ourselves more important than we really are?

It’s almost like we are trying to convince ourselves

Day in and day out we look for affirmations that we are doing right by our peers and society

Now more than ever people are independent businessmen, they are their own bosses and the world revolves around them. Social media has given us a platform where we can market ourselves and in turn make a profit. So many people think they have what it takes because they have seen it work for others. However, social media distorts our perception of reality. The glorification of followers on social media has made a huge impact in the world. So much so that businesses have invested money into having their products on social media and promoted by people of so called influence, those people with more than 50k followers.

People assume that because this socialite is popular then if they don’t like them as well, there is something wrong with them . Human beings are social creatures that desire to be just like everyone else. We don’t want to be the odd ball out, it makes us uncomfortable.

Of course there are people who stand out. There are people who resist and rebel. Even with so many people using social media, there are so many who do not. How do they differ from those who do? What are the advantages and disadvantages of being connected and disconnected.

When you are constantly viewing a montage of different lives and different people you create a world for yourself. You don’t know the reality of that persons life so your brain makes one for them based on what they decide to show. The human brain has a desire to make connections in order to explain things it does not understand. The desire to reason.

So think about this when you hop on to Facebook and Instagram, twitter and LinkedIn. Before you are tempted to fall into the picture being presented to you, remind yourself that a lot of what you are seeing is not only time consuming, it may also be false. This is in no way to discourage people from using social networks. Being connected can also give us a sense of what is going on in the world. Who is trending and what are people buzzing about. It is good to keep yourself in the loop and to grow with your culture. You can find positive information that not only acts as a cheerful booster, it’s quick, short and to the point.

With the seesaw of pros and cons of social media there is one reality that is hard to ignore. That is, our narcissism being fed all the while being insatiable. We hunger for approval and the more liked we are the more we feel about happy about ourselves. This can take a devastating toll on your mental well being. You place your love for yourself in the hands of strangers. Whether you believe it or not, the way you see yourself is no longer in your control, and when you feel disapproval or rejection it effects you greater than most people.

…..to be continued

Suicide is not marketable

For the first time in a long time I contemplated suicide

Not dramatically

A real desire to not exist anymore

To never wake or take another step

To really lose perspective

I couldn’t see any good reason to continue fighting

The pain this time was so strong it numbed me

Like an injection

It penetrated me and entered my veins

I couldn’t feel

It’s not like anything you see in media

It’s a silent killer

Slowly enticing you with fantasies of pleasures beyond this world

The lie that you can stop everything

That you have the power to control your time here on earth

jail mentality

There I was in that dark studio room. If we can even call it a studio. broken walls, empty rooms. Like a dream that got tired of waiting and left. I was staring at you, you were looking straight ahead at the screen.  There was movie on a huge macbook desktop that God knows if it was even bought or just stolen. I couldn’t read you, you were very calm like nothing was on your mind. It was almost like a blank stare. I felt like you were numb to everything. No emotions, nothing. Yet, at the same time I felt you were more present than I. So good looking, I thought to myself. I just want to ravish him and love him to pieces. I have such a horrible habit of seeing broken and wanting to love it. Seeing hardness and wanting to soften it.

So, how was it being in jail?

No response, not even a micro expression of shock at my invasive question.

I kept asking different jail related questions and he kept giving me vague answers. I told him he was too good looking to be living the way he was.

Finally, an expression broke out.

I knew he wanted to smile, he was flattered, but he suppressed it.

I kept trying to make him smile and when he finally did…it was beautiful. I was so amazed that I could do that. I was also sad that he had a hard time letting himself be happy. He didn’t open up to me until I shared my bad experiences. Things I knew people would never think I have gone through.

“Remember when I used to be crushing on you in high school?” he said randomly

at this point our positions had shifted, and I was all the way at the other end of the couch. I turned my gaze to him. He was laid back looking at me with low eyes. I told him, I didn’t remember but I was lying. I realized how dumb I sound because we both knew that he liked me back then. So I polished my lie.

“I didn’t think you would end up like this,” I told him. “I thought you were smarter than that.”

As it left my mouth I was glad I said it. Because as soon as I saw it hit him, I realized that I sparked some encouragement. I knew that I reminded him of his potential.

 

 

Change is an illusion

What am I doing . Why do I think that this is okay

Is there no fear of God in me

Have I lost it completely

Is this just me coming around the corner again

I don’t know if I can handle another cycle

Resurrection love

I feel like I am transferring love over

From one to another one to another one, where did it originate? whose love am I trying to resurrect?

 

gains and losses

The day you ignored me is the day he paid attention.

How could you treat me this way? After everything I did for you. You had me questioning my worth, my goodness, everything. You made me feel worthless and there is no coming back from that. It’s not my fault you are insecure, and it’s not my fault that you couldn’t or no you wouldn’t share your love with me. You couldn’t give me your time, your attention, when that means more to me than anything else. If you think that anything you did made me do what I did or feel what I felt for your, your wrong. I just cared… I initiated and I gave to you. My time, my effort, my body and my thoughts. At the end of it, I thought it was obvious how much I cared. But I think I made it too easy.

Either way, that night you decided I was no longer worth speaking to and you just stopped. I could of persisted for an answer or reply, but silence won. At that same time he was making an effort.

I was taken aback by the responses he was giving me. How sad that I was surprised that he took an interest in me. You made me like that, made me believe that I was weird for desiring that type of communication. It feels so good to speak to someone who can elaborate. It is amazing how much he is trying. Even if I find it awkward, I haven’t smiled like that in forever. I haven’t talked about my feelings like that in so long. It felt good, it felt like home. And at times I was annoyed because it wasn’t you. How disgusting it is that I like you so much. But no, I won’t let that make me go back to you. No sir, not for one minute. Lets see you try and squirm your way out of this one. Because this time, it’s you. You are cutting the connection. I hope you see me with him. I hope you felt bad, I hope you cry that someone is treating me the way you were supposed to.

He may not be who I want in the end, but damn he makes it so hard. Because I am so simple, I just want your time, your words, I want to pick at your brain. I want to know what you are thinking, what you like, what you don’t like. I was made to listen. I don’t have to pull anything out of him like I did with you. I don’t have to fill the silence with stupidity.

He may not be who I want in the end, but he gives me hope in men again.

We do this to ourselves

I'm so hurt I fucking admit it
You gave her everything I wanted from you
I gave you everything and you gave me nothing
Whatever man!
Ahhrrr
I just want to scream
I just want to punch something
I don't even care
And it hurts that I care so much
I'm so tired of the heartbreak
I'm so tired of pretending like nothing phases me
I do this to myself
Dammit I can't help fucking myself over
Why God why
I want to hurt you
I want you to cry while I watch you

Sometimes when we are so hurt
Everything turns to anger

I'm fuming
I hate you for taking from me
I hate myself for letting you