words come out

I am tired of reading

Influenced by the thoughts of others

Here I am

pen in hand

My heart is ready

It bleeds the swollen words

bursting they will come out

chasing the light at the opening

like bats out of a cave

They will be like a mighty wind

 

progeny of a psychopath

Trying….trying…Im trying so hard

coming up short

a saying that has been said

In this context

mother and daughter

Like the cripple

I am and will always be a burden

If I could possibly erase all that haunts me, all that makes me …me

I would

Then maybe you could accept me

Maybe then, I wouldn’t be a constant reminder of him

I constant reminder of the monster you married

Ah yes… but here I am blood of his blood

progeny of a psychopath

We could make it happen

The more wealth I acquire

The lonelier I become

and when I left love

no one told me it wasn’t worth it

you can never live in poverty when you have love

when you turn in your bed

and find yourself wrapped in the arms of that person

that person that makes every problem seem small

every difficulty seem possible

Success will never do that for you

it just keeps taking…wanting….never satisfied

The cheap thrill of succeeding will fade within seconds

My lover was wealth

I never thought for a second I could be happy with just you

That we could make it happen

 

 

 

 

The draft that got published

Anti anxiety

Anti prayer

I forgot to refill my anti depressant and had to wait for a doctors authorization. It was the weekend and I had to wait for Monday.

Three days without my anti depressant, the anxiety was setting in.

I prayed to God : God I know You are the maker of all things. I know that You make this medication work, and I know that Your grace is sufficent for me. That these three days I will be able to continue without falling into depression.

That weekend I prayed the hardest, focused on God more than I had…and I WAS HAPPY…

Then,

Monday came rolling in, and the stress of my job and the anxiety of performing started to set in… I began to get irrational thoughts.

I knew I needed the medication but not for depression, but for anxiety and stress. Granted, most anti depressants work as anti anxiety. When I started taking them again, I felt calm and was able to just…work. But I felt dead.

When I was off them, I could feel every emotion. I could feel sadness at its highest and happiness in its glory. I felt like all my senses were alive. On the medication I felt stunted, dead, and foggy.

I started to forget to pray, because I did not feel the need to. That’s when I realized that if I was going to take these pills, I had to make an extra effort to make sure I pray.

I do not plan on being on the medication forever, and I know that God want’s me to be responsible and remember to take them everyday and refill them on time.

If one hand causes you to sin, cut it off, for it is better for you to enter the kingdom of heaven without one arm then for your entire body to be thrown in hell. –

I always refer to that verse when I take my medication. I may be losing something but if I keeps me rational and able to think about my actions before I do them, then I rather take them. Not continue to suffer and make poor choices because of it. Choices that lead me into sin, those actions we take to cope with anxiety and depression.

motherhood is never ending

Dear mother

How can you say to me that I do not love you

How can you excuse your behavior with those callous words

Do I not have the right to be upset

You are abandoning me

all I can do is be silent

while the child in me screams

Go away then

Be with that man

That man who pretends he cares for you

Who tells you sweet nothings filled with poison

But you don’t know

Mother you don’t know

I leave a trace of tears as I walk away

I won’t look back

If I do, I may see what I had feared

I will turn to stone

 

Love, my darling, Love

When we met I was a stupid little girl

brace faced and wild eyed

My looks were always cynical, my thoughts were maniacal

I knew from the moment I saw you, you were it

But, I never thought for a second you would become my entire world

 

I was just a fucking cashier

Everything I once dreamed of doing was repressed to the darkest part of my heart

I had no plan or goal for the future

Just reckless living

Sex, orgies, drugs, alcohol, cigarette stenched… I was wasting away

 

Until you saved me and made me the woman I am today

You taught me how to love myself

You showed me how to be faithful

The way you loved me changed something inside of me

 

You were with me through the struggle & when I wanted to give up you didn’t let me

You dug out those broken dreams and brought them back to life

 

Through the tears and the pain and the fighting  you were there

At night you would console me, listen to me, love me, make me laugh, and stay up with me until I was at ease

 

I went from poverty to riches at such a young age

Sometimes it still baffles me how far i’ve come

I exceeded all expectations

You watched me climb higher and higher

All my work was worth it

because I had you

 

& now that you aren’t here I can’t find a reason to go on

I search for purpose but come up empty

Because love my darling, love, is the drive behind all things.

 

The dynamic of the night

That which resides under the sun is the holiest

Who can look at the sun?

Tell me can you gaze upon it’s great light

Nothing under the sun is hidden

The people walk in honor and holiness

There is joy and laughter

Peace and Purity among the people under the sun

But even the Sun can not be held to one moment

As it circles watching over the entirety of its inhabitants

darkness falls on those left behind

Where are the holy people?

What has risen among the shadows

Temptation lurks in the corner

The people walk in sin and shame

Flesh and gluttony prevail

There is dancing with demons

There is sexual immortality among the holy people

No longer are they pure

Because the darkness hides their sin

No one can see them

No one is at fault

Grieving the living

Tonight I am drowning in the way I feel

I come up for clarity but the second emotion washes over me

I tumble around in my feelings knowing that I have lost control

It is one of those nights that I excuse myself and swim down to the deepest part of my heart

And think of you…

I think that I am protected by the darkness of the sea but the storm is raging up above

When I swim up back to reason, back to sanity

The waves won’t settle and I am stuck in this endless storm of grief