The problem was that I was too preoccupied with what people would think about you. What my mother thought and how she did not approve. And all that rings in my head are those words you said to me that night. With our head against the pillow and your eyes looking up at mine “I’m sorry you fell in love with a mutt” … I didn’t say anything of course because I didn’t know that you realized what I was struggling with. Apparently it was evident in the way we were living. Always hiding, always avoiding …. but I did fall in love with a mutt and why was I so ashamed?
It is me again
I know you never left
but I did
I just wanted to say that…i’m sorry
and thank you
I just wanted to say good morning as I wake up at noon
I just wanted to say good morning as I begin to fight off the demons of yesterday
I just wanted to say good morning as the wind blows through my room and into my lungs
Good morning God
I’m coming back limping with broken pieces of myself in my arms
as the sun hits my face and I squint towards you in this desert
with my sandy feet and my tattered clothes
I just wanted to say Good morning God
I was so used to constantly being touched that I expected it
To be grabbed held and fucked
Slowly and passionately from behind
From on top
Throughout the night and especially in the morning
But you did none of that
And now I feel so stupid to think that I will ever find a man who did what he did for me
Open up to me
Why are so you afraid
I am starting to think you don’t care at all
I tried to recreate something that I so desperately missed
I thought that it would be different because it was another body
But everything went horribly wrong
Because he rejected all my love and like a fool I sat in the dark and drank the bitter wine
I smoked that tar tasting cigarette as he slept completely unaware of my aching soul
Sometimes it’s good to pretend even for just one night
I promise I will forget every word I uttered into your ear
And never bring up the intensity that we will share in the dark
Fantasy will take us there. It will elevate the moment, if you just let it happen
What do you want to hear, anything, I will say it
But don’t hold me accountable
I feel like I have been doing all the work and I just want to sit now and let you come to me like a stubborn child on the floor or a desperate lover wanting affection I want to be loved for the mess that I am not because of my good behavior I need you to pursue me can you still do that?
These moments are reminding me that I am still blood of your blood
And goddammit I miss you
I know what you did because you did it to me and I know who you are because I am living through it
I remember the first thing I did was forgive you and even if I didn’t know what I meant it was a spiritual deliverance that would help me love you this way today
You will always be a part of me and until you die you will always be my father I see myself and I find you
I just wish that someone would tell me I’m not crazy for the way I think about you
That because I praise the good things you have done I’m not delusional
Because isn’t this the greatest expression of forgiveness
Isn’t this what the love of Jesus is? So why am I being brought down. Why can’t my my mother see that she can not leave you in the past as long as I am in her present. Why can’t she just remember the good things. Why isn’t she mature enough to see a wounded man incapable of doing what he once did.
I miss you and I wish I could speak to you face to face. I wish I could tell you how valuable you are in Gods eyes. I want you to understand that it is not too late to change. It is not too late to purify yourself and leave this earth in right standing with God. I want you to work hard to become better, to enjoy the last days of your life. Knowing that the past is in the past and that to move forward you must press on. I want you to know that you have a heart for God and that He knows it, and that He has not forgotten you. Dear father, Happy Father’s Day.
I feel nothing and it’s not your fault I wish I could just be the type of girl who doesn’t care but I am my fathers daughter and pride runs heavy through my veins I won’t let you see me when I am weak and I won’t settle for less than what I believe I deserve even if I deserve nothing
It’s been a couple days now and I can’t get you out of my mind
It’s you specifically, I thought about your smile
The way you absorb my words without looking at me
I know I am strange to you, you don’t understand why I am the way I am
We differ in brokenness
I find pleasure in mine, and you don’t know you have yours
See it’s this difference that makes us so different, but so the same
Something about me attracts you and something about you attracts me
It’s this opposite acknowledgement
See, I believe that you want to love yourself even if you were nothing
You want someone to embrace the failure in you
When I was with you, we communicated. It was different for you because you weren’t used to talking with someone so deeply.
Especially not someone of the opposite sex
You knew my fears because they were evident, as evident as I made them
The only difference is that I didn’t compromise.
I didn’t compromise my comfort for societal pleasures.
I rather be alone than have to put on a mask and go out into your world.
That is the sad part, that you will never accomplish anything like me
Because comfort will keep you where you are.
It is when you are uncomfortable that you are forced to change, to move, to excel
My friend, when I think about you it is all pleasure
But rest assured I did see past the lust
I saw how you struggled with having to be more than what you are
To keep up appearances
How the world around you forced you to be someone that you don’t know how to be.
I pity you, but when I think about you with my eyes closed I remember those nights
The passion, the lust, the anger, the confusion, the lack of understanding it was like a circus of emotions.
I never intended on claiming you, only using you.
For that I am so sorry because even now as I think about you, I just get off on your lust for me. I pretend in my mind that I care about you but I don’t. I want to use you, your body. I want to use those powers that I have as a female to manipulate you however I want to. I want to take out my anger with you. I don’t care about you…but I care about who you are.